I wanted to clarify a few things.
Since you will not be receiving your out of class essay 2 back until Monday, December 1st, you will have a little more time to revise than first indicated.
The last class session is Wednesday, December 10th. However, if you are eligible to revise out of class essay 1, or if you want to revise out of class essay 2, all revisions will be due no later than the Friday of finals week, December 19th.
If you DO wish to submit a revision after the 10th, you will need to place it in my English Department mail box, located in Calaveras 105. You must also email me and let me know that it is in my mailbox.
Also, below you will find a sample student response to out of class essay #3 on marriage. I would like you to see it as a fairly strong response. It earned an high "B."
Successful
Marriage: It’s no Cakewalk
Marriage
for many Americans has become a cliché for the precursor of divorce. Yet
thousands of couples continue to make the plunge every year, hoping that their
marriage will be the exception to the trend. There are several reasons why
marriages fail; however, there are those couples who somehow avoid the
treacherous pathways that lead to divorce, and instead, continue for years in a
successful and happy marriage. It is an interesting task to pinpoint the tenets
of a successful marriage, because it can vary from couple to couple. There are,
however a few commonalities that contribute to a successful and long lasting
marriage. Four of the most important elements for a successful marriage
include open communication, complete honesty, respect for each other’s
boundaries, and self-actualization.
The
first significant ingredient for a strong marriage is open communication.
Communication is a broad category that sparks much discussion, but is usually
defined as respectful, open, and honest dialogue between spouses that fully
conveys the meaning of what needs to be said. For example, many couples
communicate by talking to each other at various times during the day. However,
sometimes all couples are doing is talking at
each other. Simply talking on and on about what happened during the day is
polite pleasantry between spouses, but that is not the level of communication
that strengthens a relationship. Communication where it counts includes eye
contact and fully paying attention to what the other person is saying as well
as contributing full heartedly with ideas and input from the other party.
Communication, however, does not mean that partners always have to agree.
According to Ranell (my aunt), “[My husband and I] usually communicate pretty
well, but there are times when you just have to back away and let things cool
down for awhile.” (Burch, Ranell). Communication can become tricky when people
do not agree on the expressed ideas. Couples who were interviewed often
expressed that everything is fine when there is no disagreement. However, when
it comes to discrepancies, navigating marital life is frustrating. For
instance, suppose a husband and wife are trying to communicate financial issues.
One feels that forming a joint account would be beneficial whereas the other
feels that it would be better to keep the accounts separate. Often when
discussing financial worries, things become tense. Dr. Amy Bellows explains: “We
often immediately reject another’s perceptions, especially when our views
differ.... We find ourselves ready to dispute the things our spouse has to say,
to challenge them, or to hear them as threats. Obviously, such an attitude
interferes with two-way communication. The first step to improved dialogues is
to respect your partner.” This was reflected in my Aunt Ranell’s sentiments: “We
don’t force each other to have the same opinion. I mean, if you love somebody,
you can’t force him or her to think of everything the same way you do” (Burch,
Ranell). The ultimate thing to remember is that communication is a two-way
street that both the husband and wife must drive down responsibly.
The
second crucial element for a lasting marriage is complete honesty. This
requires full disclosure between partners. Honesty includes fidelity between
spouses and no hidden secrets that have the potential to undermine the
stability of the marriage. Lack of commitment towards marriage is one of the
leading causes of divorce (“Top 10 Reasons for Divorce”). If one spouse can not
commit to being sexually active with his or her wife or husband, then there are
serious issues between the parties concerned. Often one spousewill try to hide
the fact that he or she is having an affair, and leads to irrational acts out
of guilt. One of the problems here is the overwhelming guilt. If a man or a
woman feels deep guilt about hiding an indiscretion, chances are that he or she
shouldn’t be committing these acts, or, at the very least, that person should not
be hiding the acts from his or her spouse. My uncle David feels that “if you’re
in love with someone, but you’re worried about their relationships with other
people, you’ll end up being worried and miserable. If you truly love each other
then you don’t worry about it” (Burch, David). However honesty extends beyond
infidelity to everyday manners. When I asked my sister what she feels one of
the most valued parts of her marriage is, she replied, “Honesty, because not
only does it keep my relationship with my husband open and functional, it
allows us for a greater understanding of each other as spouses and people”
(Lovallo). Clearly, honesty exists in every realm of the marriage is crucial.
Lies and secrets only hurt the trust between spouses. Even if the question is,
“Does this dress make me look fat?” an honest answer given is a reflection of
how committed the two partners are to their relationship.
A
third ingredient for an enduring marriage is respecting one another’s
boundaries. It is easy for couples to become so intertwined within each other’s
lives that there is no individual space. This can put some extreme stress on
the marriage. My father mentions that one of the reasons for his separation
from my mother was that “she didn’t allow me enough living room for me to be
myself. She was constantly there seemingly controlling everything I did.
Sometimes a guy just has to be a guy” (Krawczyk). It is interesting to note the
difference between a loving marriage and a smothering marriage. On one hand,
many of the spouses I have talked to desire to be around each other as much as
possible. However, many of these individuals expressed a desire to have some
time on their own. When interviewing my sister whose husband James is currently
in Iraq, she expressed, “I have trouble giving my husband privacy. I want to be
involved in every aspect of his life which makes it difficult for him to be his
own person at times” (Lovallo). It can be difficult for many couples to respect
each other’s limitations and personal space. From many of the interviews, I
have found that couples feel that having time to think and just be alone can
make marriage better as well. Sheri and Bob Stritof state, “People tend to feel
guilty about taking time for themselves. Perhaps they wouldn't if they realized
that doing so gave them more energy to devote to the ones they love” (Stritof).
What it boils down to is that people need time to themselves. In order to have
a successful marriage, spouses need to learn to give each other a creative
outlet where they can be seen as an individual as opposed to a component of a
couple.
The
fourth and quite possibly the most important element of a successful marriage
is staying true to oneself. So often, spouses give up and compromise what makes
them who they are. Some of my married friends expressed that they do not know
who they are anymore because they have dedicated so much to marriage that they
feel like they have lost some of themselves in the process. In the April 2006
issue of Glamour, Kristin Armstrong
reveals: “If you aren’t careful, [marriage] can tempt you to become a ‘yes
woman’ for the sake of salvaging your romantic dream. It can lure you into a
pattern of pleasing that will turn you into someone you’ll hardly recognize and
probably won’t like” (Armstrong 209). It is easy to commit to a marriage out of
love, but sometimes that love turns into control and making the other person
bend to your will until that person doesn’t even know who they are anymore.
What I have found through second hand research is that people often turn
themselves into someone they think their spouse wants and they somehow lose
themselves in the process. All of a sudden, that person isn’t who the spouse
fell in love with in the first place. This need for someone to be perfect for the
person they love changes them into someone that neither person recognizes. If
the person in question does not accept the other person for who that person is,
then marriage is probably a bad idea. In an interview, my sister relates, “It
is liberating to be married to someone who loves you for you. I have seen people change themselves
completely for their husbands only to find out that that isn’t who they wanted
to be with anyways, and then things get ugly” (Lovallo).
The
Internet, as well as popular and professional publications, are full of
information on how to have a successful marriage. Many may purport
contradictory things, but most of them are written with admirable
intentions. I am definitely not in
a place in my life where I can dedicate myself to what it takes to have a
successful marriage. However, I now know at least four things I will consider
if and when I ever get married.
Works
Cited
Bellows,
Amy. “Good Communication in Marriage Starts with Respect.” Psychcentral.com.
10 Mar. 2009. < http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/good-communication-in-marriage-starts-with-respect/>
Burch, David. Personal interview.
14 Mar. 2009.
Burch, Ranell. Personal interview.
14 Mar. 2009.
Lovallo, Melissa. Personal
interview. 18 Mar. 2009.
Krawczyk, Bill. Personal interview.
13 Mar. 2009
Stritof,
Sheri & Bob. “When You or Your Spouse Desire More Space.” About.com.
10 Mar. 2009. < http://marriage.about.com/od/practicalities/a/space.htm>
“Top
10 Reasons For Divorce” Ygoy.com. 19 Mar. 2009. <
http://women.ygoy.com/top-ten-reasons-for-divorce/>
